Ups 'n' downs

It’s been a while since I’ve posted, because every day is busy and I usually end up to tired or distracted to write. Some days I feel flat and there’s nothing to express; it’s been so sad to find out a friend has a recurrence of cancer, or my ex-school friend Jess is dying from brain tumours.


I found myself dreading the last round of chemo; funny that, as it was the last of the actual chemotherapy (which interferes with cell division). I shall remain on Herceptin (an immuno-theraputic drug) for several months and the effects should mainly be ‘flu-like symptoms (with a frequently runny/itchy nose) and possible slight heart muscle deterioration (manifest as shortness of breath, etc.). That’s much less irritating than the eye-tics, photosensitivity, muscle spasm, raw mouth linings, joint aches, dizziness and exhaustion I have been feeling of late. I started off quite energetically but have found that the cumulative effects of chemotherapy have started to take their toll. I was doing relief teaching a couple of weeks ago, but have recently lost interest in schlepping 40min across town to do half a day’s work for $100.

So, back to the last chemo session ... I guess I didn’t look forward to it in the same way you’d not want to eat the same food that had made you puke a week ago. Your body seems to have a memory, and mine remembered the nausea of previous sessions – I was surprised to feel queasy two days before chemo! Perhaps I was also dreading the cardiac gated test to measure heart efficiency, as it involved two injections. Well, it all didn’t turn out to be too bad at all. I met my two lovely compatriots and their family supporters, and we all had a good natter. In fact, I would have liked a little meditation time but that didn’t work out. Funny how you spend 5.5 hours in the place and there’s never a dull moment! After speaking with Ursula, I decided to treat myself and NOT use the cold gloves this time – what a pleasure that was! Obviously I had to use the cold cap, as I don’t want my hair falling out at this stage (actually it seems quite thick on top and needs another cut, so that’s nice).

As usual, I had a sleep afterwards, but I did have enough energy to go to the Moon Lantern Festival where we met up with our friends. It was festive! We loved the large, tissue-thin lanterns of all sizes and shapes, lit from within. I had lots of energy the next day too, and no nausea thanks to the $25 pill I took (they come in an exclusive pack of two).

Thursday was the kids’ Sports Day, so I went to watch them and take photos. Though it was cloudy with a chilly wind at first, by midday it was so hot that both Fran and I got sunburnt. That’s springtime in Adelaide! Alternately nippy and sweaty – or is it my hot flushes? I’ve also developed a fairly continuous pulsing in my left ear that’s a worry.

Yesterday (Monday) I went on the first of a 12 week course run by Belle, my lovely naturopath, on how to empower yourself to heal. She showed us references to research that shows that having a positive mindset and having hope are tangible influences on a good prognosis after cancer. An important way to achieve these is through the practicing of mindfulness, or meditation. We did a meditation, but as usual I got distracted by all sorts of mind-chatter. Not surprising as I had just listened to introductions from 12 other people who mostly seem to be going through horrific cancer experiences – two were young beautiful girls with rare lymphomas. Belle has explained that fear is a natural reaction, but it’s important not to get stuck in fear (which takes courage). I was glad that I had started yoga classes, as meditation is part of these sessions too, and I can practice there as well.

Today we did housecleaning with my friend Marisha. The girls were very helpful, and we all worked very hard to make the house all sparkly and clean. As a reward we went to Maccas (McDonalds) for a chicken wrap [don’t tell the kids, but mine tasted like crap, as my taste buds have died].

Yep. Every day is a new adventure with chemotherapy. Hopefully I’ll become a little more even-keeled as the worst effects wear off. I’ve been bitchy and irritable, trying to get my family to do the right things around the house (like put dirty plates into the dishwasher, dirty socks into the laundry basket). Though some of this frustration is physiological, I wonder if part of it is a worry that if I were not around my family would consist of three computer addicts drowning in a cesspool of rotting take-away containers ……